Moment of Clarity

20150307_082931.jpgDear Journal.

Today the rubber met the road. Something I’ve been doing for the past 9 years all of a sudden gone like that. It’s like I blinked and all of a sudden what was once so clear seemed to vanish into thin air. Let’s be clear on this subject, it’s my fault, because something I left in my past should have stayed there, yet like normal I felt that I had this under control which in itself is a snare, because ultimately what do we really control? I mean yes I can control my actions but life really has a way of throwing a monkey wrench and changing that perception at times. Even ones’ actions can seem like an impossible hurdle to overcome, due to an enemy that so many times is so hard to identify, even though they’re standing right there with you, the inner you. It’s like you seem to sabotage yourself every time, yet due to lack of a mirror, the person truly responsible tends to pour outward toward others, causing break downs in relationships and friendships. Now I’m forced to sit here and question myself why, do I not feel that I deserve what I’ve work hard to accomplish to just risk throwing it all away? I mean really I had to ask myself why, because I risked everything on something that ultimately did nothing for me. So what is it, is it me acting out of emotions? Or am I just trying to fill a void?

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